i have learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is be someone who can be loved.

The rest is up to them.

I've learned

That no matter how much I care,

some people just don't care back.

I've learned

that it takes years to build up trust,

and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned

that it's not what you have in your life

but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned

That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned

that you shouldn't compare yourself

to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned

that it's not what happens to people that's important.

It's what they do about it.

I've learned

that you can do something in an instant

that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned

that no matter how you slice it,

there are always two sides.

I've learned

that it's taking me a long time

to become the person I want to be.

I've learned

that it's a lot easier to react

than it is to think.

I've learned

That you should always leave

loved ones with loving words.

It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned

that you can keep going

long after you think you can't.

I've learned

that we are responsible for what we do,

no matter how we feel.

I've learned

that either you control your attitude

or it controls you.

I've learned

that regardless of how hot and steamy

a relationship is at first,

the passion fades and there had better be

something else to take its place.

I've learned

that heroes are the people

who do what has to be done

when it needs to be done,

regardless of the consequences.

I've learned

that learning to forgive

takes practice.

I've learned

that there are people who love you dearly,

but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned

that money is a lousy way

of keeping score.

I've learned

that my best friend and I

can do anything or nothing
and have the best time.

I've learned

that sometimes the people you expect

to kick you when you're down

will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned

that sometimes when I'm angry,

I have the right to be angry,

but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned

that true friendship continues to grow,

even over the longest distance.

Same goes for true love.

I've learned

that just because someone doesn't love you

the way you want them to doesn't mean

they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned

that maturity has more to do with

what types of experiences you've had

and what you've learned from them

and less to do with how many

birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned

that you should never tell a child

their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.

Few things are more humiliating, and

what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned

that your family won't always

be there for you.

It may seem funny,

but people you aren't related to

can take care of you and love you

and teach you to trust people again.

Families aren't biological.

I've learned

that no matter how good a friend is,

they're going to hurt you

every once in a while

and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned

that it isn't always enough

to be forgiven by others.

Sometimes you have to learn

to forgive yourself.

I've learned

that no matter how badly your heart is broken

the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned

that our background and circumstances

may have influenced who we are,

but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned

that sometimes when my friends fight,

I'm forced to choose sides

even when I don't want to.

I've learned

that just because two people argue,

it doesn't mean they don't love each other

And just because they don't argue,

it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned

that sometimes you have to

put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned

that we don't have to change friends

if we understand that friends change.

I've learned

that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.

It could change your life forever.

I've learned

that two people can look at the exact same thing

and see something totally different.

I've learned

that no matter how you try to protect

your children, they will eventually get hurt

and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned

that there are many ways

of falling and staying in love.

I've learned

that no matter the consequences,

those who are honest with themselves

get farther in life.

I've learned

that no matter how many friends you have,

if you are their pillar you will feel lonely

and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned

that your life can be changed in a matter of hours

by people who don't even know you.

I've learned

that even when you think

you have no more to give,

when a friend cries out to you,

you will find the strength to help.

I've learned

that writing, as well as talking,

can ease emotional pains.

I've learned

that the paradigm we live in

is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned

that credentials on the wall

do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned

that the people you care most about in life

are taken from you too soon.

I've learned

that although the word “love”

can have many different meanings,

t loses value when overly used.

I've learned

that it's hard to determine

where to draw the line

between being nice and

not hurting people's feelings

and standing up for what you believe.

"I Have Learned"

Kathy Kane Henson

i go back to december, turn around and make it all mine

boy oh boy has it ever been a long time since i have blogged! did i tell you that i was planning on taking a spontaneous road trip? i think i probably mentioned it, but if not, here's a quick recap: kyle was working in Edson, only six hours from here, instead of the usual fifteen, so he suggests i visit -  i think excellent idea! a weekend away from home, and it gives me a real reason to take the extra vacation day i have floating around! the way it went wasn't exactly kosher with the way i imagined it... for starters: the weather was horrendous, but i didn't start to REALLY seriously worry until two lanes became one, and when there happened to be oncoming traffic, i was forced to maneuver my very summer oriented car halfway into the six feet of snow to my right that was apparently supposed to be a highway. so i thought that was bad, and then the lane disappeared and my car was basically just trying to slog its way along through fresh unplowed snow. apparently clearwater, barrier, blue river, avola and all of the other villages along the Yellowhead highway don't own plow trucks. go figure. so i just did between 50 and 65 kms the whole journey, the entire time telling myself that i could just stop or turn around at any point if i needed to. i eventually get to blue river and figure maybe i should gas up, but that was not an option because the entrance to all gas stations was like seven feet or churned up snow that only some sort of monster truck could maneuver without getting stuck in. i get to about 50 kms past blue river, on ice 6 inches deep and in washboard form, because this stretch of highway has literally NEVER been plowed, when i start fishtailing. i control it for what must be at least 100 feet but then i lose it, and i do a 180 across the oncoming traffic and end up backwards in the ditch facing the direction i'd came. woah. long story short, i eventually force my door open, get a ride back into town with some weirdos, and a tow truck pulls out my car: i'm fine, car is fine, and i decide that there is NO WAY i'm turning around now, so i trek on. i STILL can't believe i crashed! i was that annoying person doing like 60 kms in the 100 zone the ENTIRE trip! unjust! after 3 more hours of intense fog, snowstorm and broken windshield wipers, i make it to jasper, and kyle come to meet me, because the thought of driving another two hours to jasper makes me feel like passing out. in any case, the weekend ended up being lovely, and i got to spend a day wandering the shops in jasper! though by the time i did get to Edson, i had decided to live in Alberta forever because i was NOT planning on driving the Yellowhead ever again. my worries were groundless however, the roads back were beautiful! so beautiful, in fact, i got a ticket. yes, it was an expensive trip o_0

this guy was so close! probably only about ten feet from where i stopped on the highway, and he just chilled while i talked to him and took his picture! he was drinking from a puddle!

for those who were wondering....

22 REASONS WHY I AM VEGETARIAN & PROUD

1 You'll live a lot longer. Vegetarians live about seven years longer, and vegans (who eat no animal products) about 15 years longer than meat eaters, according to a study from Loma Linda University. These findings are backed up by the China Health Project (the largest population study on diet and health to date), which found that Chinese people who eat the least amount of fat and animal products have the lowest risks of cancer, heart attack and other chronic degenerative diseases. And a British study that tracked 6,000 vegetarians and 5,000 meat eaters for 12 years found that vegetarians were 40 percent less likely to die from cancer during that time and 20 percent less likely to die from other diseases.


2 You'll save your heart. Cardiovascular disease is still the number one killer in the United States, and the standard American diet (SAD) that's laden with saturated fat and cholesterol from meat and dairy is largely to blame. Children as young as age 3 who are raised on fast food and junk food show early signs of heart disease, according to the Bogalusa Heart Study done at the Louisiana State University. Cardiovascular disease is found in one in nine women aged 45 to 64 and in one in three women over 65. Heart attacks are also deadlier to the fairer sex: 53 percent of women who have heart attacks die from them, compared with 47 percent of men. Today, the average American male eating a meat-based diet has a 50 percent chance of dying from heart disease. His risk drops to 15 percent if he cuts out meat; it goes to 4 percent if he cuts out meat, dairy and eggs. Partly responsible is the fact that fruits and vegetables are full of antioxidant nutrients that protect the heart and its arteries. Plus, produce contains no saturated fat or cholesterol. Incidentally, cholesterol levels for vegetarians are 14 percent lower than meat eaters.

3 You can put more money in your mutual fund. Replacing meat, chicken and fish with vegetables and fruits is estimated to cut food bills by an average of $4,000 a year.

4 You'll reduce your risk of cancer. A study in The International Journal of Cancer concluded that red meat is strongly associated with breast cancer. The National Cancer Institute says that women who eat meat every day are nearly four times more likely to get breast cancer than those who don't. By contrast, women who consume at least one serving of vegetables a day reduce their risk of breast cancer by 20 percent to 30 percent, according to the Harvard Nurses Health Study. Studies done at the German Cancer Research Center in Heidelberg suggest that this is because vegetarians' immune systems are more effective in killing off tumor cells than meat eaters'. Studies have also found a plant-based diet helps protect against prostate, colon and skin cancers.

5 You'll add color to your plate. Meat, chicken and fish tend to come in boring shades of brown and beige, but fruits and vegetables come in all colors of the rainbow. Disease-fighting phytochemicals are responsible for giving produce their rich, varied hues. So cooking by color is a good way to ensure you re eating a variety of naturally occurring substances that boost immunity and prevent a range of illnesses.
6 You'll fit into your old jeans. On average, vegetarians are slimmer than meat eaters, and when we diet, we keep the weight off up to seven years longer. That's because diets that are higher in vegetable proteins are much lower in fat and calories than the SAD. Vegetarians are also less likely to fall victim to weight-related disorders like heart disease, stroke and diabetes.

7 You'll give your body a spring cleaning. Giving up meat helps purge the body of toxins (pesticides, environmental pollutants, preservatives) that overload our systems and cause illness. When people begin formal detoxification programs, their first step is to replace meats and dairy products with fruits and vegetables and juices. "These contain phytochemicals that help us detox naturally," says Chris Clark, M.D., medical director of The Raj, an Ayurvedic healing center in Fairfield, Iowa, which specializes in detox programs.
8 You'll make a strong political statement. Each day, 22 million animals are slaughtered to support the American appetite for meat. "It's a wonderful thing to be able to finish a delicious meal, knowing that no beings have suffered [to make it]," says Erik Marcus, author of Vegan: The New Ethics of Eating (McBooks, 1998).

9 Your meals will taste delicious. "Vegetables are endlessly interesting to cook and a joy to eat," says Deborah Madison, founding chef of Greens restaurant in San Francisco and author of Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone (Broadway Books, 1997). "It's an ever-changing parade of flavors and colors and textures and tastes. Everyone can enjoy them, but vegetarians are more likely to think about cooking and eating vegetables."
10 You'll help reduce waste and air pollution. Circle 4 Farms in Milford, Utah, which raises 2.5 million pigs every year, creates more waste than the entire city of Los Angeles. And this is just one farm. Each year, the nation's factory farms, collectively produce 2 billion tons of manure, a substance that's rated by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as one of the country's top 10 pollutants. And that's not even counting the methane gas released by cows, pigs and poultry (which contributes to the greenhouse effect); the ammonia gases from urine; poison gases that emanate from manure lagoons; toxic chemicals from pesticides; and exhaust from farm equipment used to raise feed for animals.

11 Your bones will last longer. The average bone loss for a vegetarian woman at age 65 is 18 percent; for non-vegetarian women, it's double that. Researchers attribute this to the consumption of excess protein--the average meat-eating American woman eats 144 percent over the recommended daily allowance; the average man eats 175 percent more.Excess protein interferes with the absorption and retention of calcium and actually prompts the body to excrete calcium, laying the ground for the brittle bone disease osteoporosis. Animal proteins, including milk, make the blood acidic, and to balance that condition, the body pulls calcium from bones. So rather than rely on milk for calcium, vegetarians turn to dark green leafy vegetables, such as broccoli and legumes, which, calorie for calorie, are superior sources.

12 You'll help reduce famine. Right now, 72 percent of all grain produced in the United States is fed to animals raised for slaughter. It takes 15 pounds of feed to get one pound of meat. But if the grain were given directly to people, there'd be enough food to feed the entire planet. In addition, using land for animal agriculture is inefficient in terms of maximizing food production. According to the journal Soil and Water, one acre of land could produce 50,000 pounds of tomatoes, 40,000 pounds of potatoes, 30,000 pounds of carrots or just 250 pounds of beef.
13 You'll avoid toxic chemicals. The EPA estimates that nearly 95 percent of pesticide residue in our diet comes from meat, fish and dairy products. Fish, in particular, contain carcinogens (PCBs, DDT) and heavy metals (mercury, arsenic; lead, cadmium) that cannot be removed through cooking or freezing. Meat and dairy products are also laced with steroids and hormones.
14 You'll protect yourself from food-borne illnesses. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimate that among Americans, there were approximately 80 million incidences of food-borne illness a year--resulting in 9,000 deaths. According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, 25 percent of all chicken sold in the United States carries salmonella bacteria and, the CDC estimates, 70 percent to 90 percent of chickens contain the bacteria campy-lobacter (some strains of which are antibiotic-resistant), approximately 5 percent of cows carry the lethal strain of E. coli O157:H7 (which causes virulent diseases and death), and 30 percent of pigs slaughtered each year for food are infected with toxoplasmosis (caused by parasites). All of which leads Michael Klaper, M.D., author of Pregnancy,. Children and a Vegan Diet (Gentle World Inc., 1988), to comment, "Including animal products in your diet is like playing Russian roulette with your life."

15 You may get rid of your back problems. "Back pain appears to begin, not in the back, but in the arteries," says Neil Barnard, M.D., president of the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine and author of Foods That Fight Pain (Harmony Books, 1998). "The degeneration of disks, for instance, which leads to nerves being pinched, starts with the arteries leading to the back." Eating a plant-based diet keeps these arteries clear of cholesterol-causing blockages to help maintain a healthy back.


16 You'll be more "regular." Eating a lot of vegetables necessarily means consuming fiber, which pushes waste out of the body. Meat contains no fiber. Studies done at Harvard and Brigham Women's Hospital found that people who ate a high-fiber diet had a 42 percent lower risk of diverticulitis. People who eat lower on the food chain also tend to have fewer incidences of constipation, hemorrhoids and spastic colon.

17 You'll cool those hot flashes. Plants, grains and legumes--especially soy--contain phytoestrogens that are believed to balance fluctuating hormones, so vegetarian women tend to go through menopause with fewer complaints of sleep problems, hot flashes, fatigue, mood swings, weight gain, depression and a diminished sex drive.

18 You'll help to bring down the national debt. We spend between $60 billion to $120 billion annually to treat the heart disease, cancer, obesity, and food poisoning that are byproducts of a diet heavy on animal products.

19 You'll preserve our fish population. Because of our voracious appetite for fish, 39 percent of the oceans' fish species are overharvested, and the Food & Agriculture Organization reports that 11 of 15 of the world's major fishing grounds have become depleted.

20 You'll help protect the purity of water. It takes 2,500 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef, but just 25 gallons of water to produce a pound of wheat. Not only is this wasteful, but it contributes to rampant water pollution. A 1997 study by the Senate Agriculture Committee found that 60 percent of American waterways were polluted, and the major reason is animal agriculture. The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development lists nitrate pollution (from fertilizer and manure) as one of the most serious water-quality problems in Europe and the United States.


21 You'll provide a great role model for your kids. "If you set a good example and feed your children good food, chances are they'll live a longer and healthier life," says Christine Beard, a certified nutrition educator and author of Become a Vegetarian in 5 Easy Steps (McBooks Press, 1997). "You're also providing a market for vegetarian products and making it more likely that they'll be available for the children."

22 Going vegetarian is very easy to do. Vegetarian cooking has never been so simple. Supermarkets carry packaged convenience foods like tofu hot dogs, veggie burgers and soy yogurt, milk and cheeses. There's greater availability of vegetarian options in mall and arena food courts. Many more restaurants specializing in vegetarian food have opened, and others have added "veg-friendly" dishes to their menus. Even traditional fast food chains now offer salads, veggie burritos and vegetarian pizza.


....also, as a side note, today my mum mentioned that it seems like my allergies have diminished right along with my appetite for meat, which is SO TRUE. In the last couple of months, my allergies have been disappearing at an alarming and most fantastic rate! When i first got baby Boris, i ahad to take like a triple dose of allergy meds every few hours, and even then i'd end up wheezy and with a few hives. just touching the tip or a kitty's ear without taking anything meant i was due for red itchy eyes and wheezy lungs in about 2.5 seconds... (though the younger the cat, the less potent it seemed to be) BUT NOW: i somehow own TWO nearly full grown kitties which i snuggle and love and kiss and sleep with, and the most a get is a couple hives here and there, now and then! and that is with noooo allergy medication at all! so, i am a strong believer, that YES, the gross toxic chemicals in meat have an adverse affect on my body, and maybe my immune system too? i really think it is possible, it just seems like too perfect of timing to now be, but it IS possible that i have just FINALLY begun to outgrow my allergies.... thoughts, anyone?

the whole world stops and stares for a while

so i really need to think of some things to think of for christmas! any ideas? cool things you've seen, or that you want for christmas that i could want too?!

so far, i'm asking for:

- a shoe rack
- a toque
- books (girl with the dragon tattoo series)
- skin for my computer
- a la senza, grocery, or gas gift card
- a bracelet (maybe?)

- my favorite pictures all printed out (i just don't like picking my own gifts and knowing what i'll get :/)
- a nice coat from ricki's (once again, see above)
- snowboard - (got that already)

so today, i was at work. working away productively (on the phone with the veterinarian) and i got an email, saying "theres been a seriosu bomb threat nearby, everyone is to lock the doors and evactuate" from soemone in our main branch downtown, and she sent it to all branches and i was like HOLY CRAP and i all but hung up on the vet, and ran around frantically locking doors while my heart was pounding out a beat that rivaled a kindergarten percussion practice. thankfully, it turned out that this woman, whilst panicking, forgot the key point, that only a portion of downtown was being evacuated, and that us in the valleyview branch really had nothing to worry about. it sound serious, however. they're flying in the bomb squad from vancouver, and everything is still evacated. apparently they discovered a suspicious package that looked sort of like a tool case, with wires sticking out of it, right by a gas pipeline, and another "suspicious object" in a pipe nearby. but its really probably nothing. i figure if the bomber reall wanted to cause some havoc, he'd be exploding the thing asap, not waiting until the bomb squad gets there and everything has been 100% evacuated and nearly resolved. like come one, he's got to be listening to the radio right?

we'll see how it goes. the bomb squad is supposed to get here around 2 or 3. its 2 right now, but all thats on the radio is chris daughtry. OOOH THE bomb squad is in the air! should be here within a half hour apparently, but the RCMP estimates that that part of the city will be on lockdown like 3 more hours.

but i'm really gettign sick of not publishing this just so i can listen to bad radio hoping for news, so i think if you want to hear the end of the story you'll just have to watch the news! tah for now.

shake it up, shake up the happiness, wake it up, wake up the happiness.

having cats is just like having kids. but WORSE.
oh so much worse.

you don't have to fight your baby tooth and nail for your dinner.
your baby doesnt try to sleep on your face
your baby doesnt hate you
you don't have to have another baby to keep your baby company
your baby won't claw the furniture
your baby isnt so dumb that it thinks your feet under the blanket are some sort of alien life form that must be destroyed immediately.
your baby doesnt drink only out of the toilet
your baby won't track litter into the bathtub and clog the drain
your baby won't throw itself at the walls/window  repeatedly just to see if slamming itself against a solid object will hurt every time
your baby won't lay in the sink on top of your makeup when you try to get ready
you can drop your baby off at your parents house for a few hours.
your baby won't jump on the stove while the element is lit
your can trap your baby in a play pen
you don't have to fight the inch long dagger like claws it has to stuff your baby in a cardboard box with holes every time you need to take it somewhere.
your baby won't lay on your keyboard every time you try to stop petting it so you can type back to your friends on facebook chat.
your baby wont wake you up by batting your face with it's dripping paws (wet from the toilet where it was drinking)
you don't have to neuter your baby
you don't have to ask your landlord if you can have a baby

i think i've said enough.

on a better note, I'M DONE ALL OF MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WOOHOO! except one teeensy thing. and on an even better note than that, next weekend i will be embarking on a roadtrip to ALBERTA! i'm visiting Kyle, and man am i ever stoked to get out of town. A little (very very very) nervous about the scary 6 hour drive by myself though. eep.) on another wonderful note, i was asking for a used (very used) snowboard for christmas so i can try it out, aaaand, low and behold, my very, very, generous, kind and giving friend Matt GAVE me his!! bindings included! and now, i am SOOO EXCITED! :D thanks matt! Also, roadrunning has been going GREAT! i really love it, and i actually got to go the last threee days in a row! woohoo! i'm definitely feeling more comfortable in the dealerships, and i know where most of them are now :P

this is the first every "modernized" christmas song i have found that i actually like:

i think he can see through everything but my heart

I don't think that passenger seat

Has ever looked this good to me

He tells me about his night

And I count the colors in his eyes

He'll never fall in love he swears

As he runs his fingers through his hair

I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong

And I don't think it ever crossed his mind

He tells a joke I fake a smile

That I know all his favorite songs and

I could tell you his favorite colors green

He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth

His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him, I'd lie

He looks around the room

Innocently overlooks the truth

Shouldn't a light go on?

Doesn't he know I've had him memorized for so long?

He sees everything black and white

Never let nobody see him cry

I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine

I could tell you his favorite colors green

He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth

His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him, I'd lie

He stands there then walks away

My God, if I could only say

I'm holding every breathe for you

He'd never tell you but he can play guitar

I think he can see through everything but my heart

First thought when I wake up is, "My god, he's beautiful"

So I put on my make up and pray for a miracle

Yes, I could tell you his favorite colors green

He loves to argue oh and it kills me

His sisters beautiful he has his father's eyes

And if you asked me if I love him

If you ask me if I love him, I'd lie

and to all a good night

so i had this great idea, that getting Boris a companion might cure his loneliness and huge attachment disorders, so i decided to bring monster (his sister) home with me. BAD IDEA. they DESPISE each other! not even hate or just dislike, they DESPISE each other. in the incurable sort of way i think :( so now i'm screwed basically. because i have fallen soooo in love with little monster, she's just so sweet! and QUIET! none of that nonstop yowling that Boris does if i'm not in the same room as him. and affectionate -  she follows me everywhere! i was standing with my back to the counter today, and she just jumped right from the counter to my shoulder and perched there like a parrot! but now i hope she isn't making boris jealous, because he doesn't want to come hang out with me if she's with me, and she doesn't leave my side! ugh. there is just no win. on the plus side, boris hasn't been yowling with loneliness, he's been too occupied fighting with his sister and doing nonstop growling/hissing.

on the plus side, i got tons of christmas shopping done today!! i just have to get masons present, and the other half of oakes and dad's gifts, mom and libby are totally done! woohoo! can't say too much here though, i know they read this once in a blue moon ;)

i spent SEVENTY dollars on food today :( twelve of which dollars were on DISGUSTING veggie dogs. they taste exactly like hotdogs, but the texture is naaaasty. like fall-apart-in-your-mouth nasty.  and before you cook them they look like... barbie. thats the only way i can describe it. like barbie doll flesh. ew. to justify the rest of the seventy dollars, i must also note that i bought a HUGE bag of catfood. because i'm rapidly turning into crazy cat lady. my internet tech guy even said so today when he had to come in to fix my router. but hats right - i have REAL INTERNET for the first time in a MONTH!! its AMAZING! heart heart heart heart.

anyhoo i should really sleep now because i was so tired today i could hardly keep my eyes open. my lack of sleep is due largely to my cats constant bickering last night. and when i mean constant, i MEAN constant. like... never ending.

you got your head in the clouds

I was trying really hard to sleep. really! but its just one of those things that is impossible to do after you've slept all day, and then went and slept some more. also, how am i supposed to sleep, when my mind is occupied trying to guess my christmas presents?! yes people, its that time of year again!! woohoo! i already have christmas lights in my kitchen, but don't worry, the christmas tree will wait until december 1st.

 anyways, back to the present thing - i'm waiting patiently here for a hint on my 1st christmas present, but unfortunately, the giver has fallen asleep!! what kind of crap is that!?! whats worse, is that i can pretty much GARUNTEE that i will get a text at 5:30am, replying, and hinting and teasing and tantalising - and sooo i will NOT be able to ignore it and sleep, as my curiosity is simply too great! for now, i'll just lie here in bed, and hope to god that it isnt a tiburon. yes, you heard me right. i am hoping it is NOT a tiburon.  allow me to explain... a couple of months or so ago, somehow, (i must have been brainwashed), i ended up agreeing that if kyle bought me a tiburon, i would get a tattoo on my arm that says "kyle is always right" this was of course, before i had a tiburon. i think? anyhoo, what i did not factor into this agreement is that one day kyle will undoubtably be filthy rich, and would probably find it simply hilarious to follow through on this preposterous idea. not to worry, i specified that it would have to be like... at least current model year, fully loaded, with AT LEAST a V6, fully operational, and electric blue, and NOT a teensy key chain model or something. (i hope you're reading this). nevertheless, my christmas gift strikes icy cold fear into my heart.

on this whole christmassy note, have i mentioned, it has snowed about 12 feet here?! AND NOT MELTED?!?! I know, its a miracle! snow in downtown kamloops! i love it. love love loveeee! in fact, i even listened to xmas music today! the nice traditional kind, but with a little brad paisley christmas thrown in too.

i feel like there were sooo many other things i was going to blog about.

oh just thought of one: so i'm pretty sure all of my readers/friends know what a disasterous cook i am, but just in case you were uninformed: i am a terrible cook. so terrible, in fact, that i burnt water. yes, you say it can't be done, but allow me to educate you: it is possible to burn water. salt water anyways. i simply was trying to boil salty water for some good ol kraft dinner one night, and then i left the house. oooooooops! came back to a very black crunchy pot. weird burnt crunchy salt bits in the bottom of the pot and everything, and the pot wasnt looking so good itself. as a matter of fact, when i put it back on the stove (forgot to turn the element ON this time...) it immediately started leaking (not that i noticed). a half hour later i returned to a huge puddle under my coil element, and some very lukewarm water. thats right, i burnt a hole in my pot. trying to make kd. clearly something is wrong with my genetic makeup. lucky for me, i still have one undestroyed pot left, and a lot of friends that feed me.

tomorrow i bring niko and monster in to be spayed. at EIGHT AM. ew. that means i have to be out in westsyde by like 7:30. i'm giving a bit of a time allowance because i assume it just isnt going to be very easy to get two angry, hungry (they're "fasting" all night) cats into one teeny cardboard carrier together. ah well. the things i do for... wait what am i doing this for again?! i can't rememeber. anyhoo, then i drive home. then at three i drive alllll the way out to the northshore to pick them up, then out to westsyde to drop niko off. then aaaalllll the way back home, WITH monster, so i can see if her living here will make my cat less crazy and cure his attachment issues and yowling and scratching and habits of destroying all that is in my house. and also, it would be nice if i didnt have to drive halfway across the planet once a week just to clean for and feed the darn thing. good thing she's so cute.

a nickel's worth of common sense

this post is a little deeper than most, but its somehting that is constantly at the back of my mind.

every so often, i sit down and i think, "where am i with my life?" "where do i want to be?" "how am i going to get there?" and then i figure it all out. every time i do this, the one thing that i KNOW must happen in my life, is to volunteer in a third world country - to really SEE the world, not just the sugar-coated portions. And so, l;ast saturday, when work was excessively slow and boring, i spent my time doing some good karma type things. (side note, i dont actually believe in karma, i'm just putting it in terms you'll all understand....heh) Whilst playing (i mean losing) a ridiculous number of solitaire games, sanitizing my desk, and eating cookies, i: became an organ donor, volunteered for big brothers and big sisters, AND applied to Canada World Youth - a six month volunteer travel program where you spend 3 months with a host family in canada, and three in a third world country doing volunteer work while living with a host family. Hundreds upon hundreds of people apply every year, and they make a decision in January, but i can hope hope hope! I'll keep you posted.

Now, on another note, here is the whole reason i did post today, because at lunch i was reading a blog i follow (sort of creepily) but i saw it in Laureen Carruthers' blog - the amazing photographer lady who did my grad pics, clicked it, and have been hooked ever since!

fairly few people know this about me, but to my close friends, i suppose its common knowledge. I don't want to have kids, ever. and if i do ever feel the need, i'll adopt a child in need. why create introduce another pampered, spoiled child into the world, when there are SO MANY other out there that need homes and care so desparately? would i really not adopt just so that i could pass on the redhead? Anyways, i was reading it today, and i really loved this entry, so i thought to help people better understand what motivates me, i'd post this:

 A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense:

"After experiencing the roller coaster of reunion with my sister, I suddenly found myself experience a whole other side of the adoption picture - The abandoned. The starving. The dying. Baby, after baby, after baby.



I came from a globally minded family, or so I thought. We had sponsored a child through World Vision my entire life. My parents sat us down to watch those Saturday morning "starving child" specials on tv. The high school I attended supported a school in Haiti. We did hot dog sales to raise funds. We made dresses in Home Ec that were sent to children. It made me feel I was doing something. At 16, it felt like I was doing enough. My life was pretty easy. Private school. A beautiful home. Good friends.

And then I went. Flew to the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere. Young, incredibly naive and completely unprepared for what I would see. Port Au Prince with its crowds, heat and constant beggars was shock enough. Hordes of malnourished children. Piles of garbage. Crowded orphanages. It was, I thought, as bad as life could ever get. What I didn't realize is that they were the lucky Haitians.


We left the city and drove several hours. We got out in a small town simply trying to survive in the midst of being decimated by AIDS. 50% of all adults were HIV positive. There were orphaned children everywhere being taken in by neighbours, friends, grandparents, and churches. Disabled children dragged their broken bodies through the dirt. We were shown the morgue. Young people lain on whitewashed slabs. Mothers, Fathers, Children. Body after body. Again, I thought that must be as bad as life could ever get as I struggled to absorb it all.

Then we left the village. No roads, just a foot path. Tired, old and emaciated donkeys carried our young, healthy, teenage bodies up a mountain. A mountain where a village had been found. A village of the starving. The living dead. We were supposed to be bringing them hope. A few boxes of seeds. Assorted medical supplies. Toys.


You might think you understand what it means to hold a child that is dying. You might think you understand what it feels like to look into the eyes of a child dying from a preventable cause. But until you have lived that; Felt it in your very soul, you cannot begin to understand.


When you realize that I, as a teenager with a stethoscope and box full of deworming medication was the best medical care, the ONLY medical care, this village would ever see maybe you can fathom the enormity of the experience.

6 year olds the primary care givers of 3 younger siblings because their mother had died in childbirth. All near death. All severely emotionally disabled from lack of affection, lack of attention, lack of hope. Pregnant women so anemic that death was inevitable once they went into labour. Starving mothers and fathers. Children so near death you know your touch might be the last. Mothers explaining that they had given birth 9 times but only two of their children had lived to a year of age.
It was a week that you cannot fathom. A week that changed my life. A week that the simple act of putting it into words has kept this post locked up because I fear I cannot do it justice.
It is here I saw the need. The desperate, absolute need of children. Heart breaking, desperate, overwhelming need. Need that can't be solved with rhetoric or policy. Need that even money couldn't find a solution too. The need was simply there. Desperate, dying children. Alone. With no one, nothing and absolutely no hope.
On our last day, the lucky children, if you could ever say that, had parents that begged us to take them. I would be holding one child and a mother would rip it from my arms and press her own baby into my arms. As the translator shared her appeal. "This one is cuter, take it please, take my baby to Canada". Then another, then another, then another. Cuter or younger or a boy or a girl. All mothers desperate to save their child in any way they could. Even by sending them half way around the world with a stranger. A child stranger at that.
We left. A group of 16 and 17 year olds completely silent. Tear streaked faces. The nurse we were working with before the trip had STRONGLY advised us not to "get attached" not to hold the babies or the toddlers left motherless. As we left she said something that I didn't completely understand at the time but do today.
"It's worse for them now. Those kids know what they are missing. Before they didn't know what a hug felt like, now they will miss it."
We silently progressed down the mountain on our donkeys. Spread out. Each needing our own space, deep, deep in thought. I passed a hut. Small, mud bricks with a tree branch roof. Suddenly a woman ran out screaming.
With great force she threw something at me.
Instinctively I reached out and grabbed it as it flew by. I realized it wasn't an it. It wasn't a something. It was a someone.
A beautiful, gorgeous, precious baby boy wrapped in a rag.
He was also a starving, dying baby boy.
And as I held him, his weeping mother hit my donkey so it would run off with me carrying her baby in my arms.
And I turned. And I threw that baby back. Back into the arms of his mother and she collapsed to the ground. Yes, back to his family of origin. Yes, back to his home culture, language and place of birth. But also back to certain death.
My life suddenly became more complicated. At home I faced those questions that maybe some never face. Why am I so blessed? Why, through a twist of fate, was I born to a family in Canada while an equally precious child is born into dire poverty in Haiti.
It is on that trip that I lost all sense of "us and them". My world perspective shattered and then expanded globally. Those children I held weren't any different than my newly found niece and nephews. Than my adored baby cousin. Their eyes were a different color, our skin looked different but we were the SAME.


And I became aware of a world where children died alone. Where babies never were held. A world where brothers and sisters were separated out of necessity. A world where mothers were so desperate for their child to live they were willing to beg another to take them.
Haiti changed my life. It will always hold a place in my heart. We continued to send money to that village for a long, long time. Many, if not most, of the children we met that January in 1991 died.


40,000 children died today from starvation and preventable starvation related illness. 40,000 more children will die tomorrow. Each as precious as the child you love most in the world. Each with as much hope. As much potential. Each with a mother who bore them in love. Not to die an agonizing death before ever experiencing life.


Within a year I would be immersed in a culture where there exists very few orphans, and again I saw another side of story of children without families of birth. "


http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/



And now you know why i feel the way i do.

I'd go, I'd go, I'd go somewhere with you

If you're going out with someone new

I'm going out with someone too

I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk

But I'd much rather be somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah

Driving around on a Saturday night

You made fun of me for singing my song

Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at three a.m.

You're fighting with your mom again

And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go somewhere with you

I won't sit outside your house

And wait for the lights to go out

Call up an ex to rescue me, climb in their bed

When I'd much rather sleep somewhere with you

Like we did on the beach last summer

When the rain came down and we took cover

Down in your car, out by the pier

You laid me down, whispered in my ear

I hate my life, hold on to me

Ah, if you ever decide to leave

Then I'll go, I'll go, I'll go

I can go out every night of the week

Can go home with anybody I meet

But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes

I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you

If you see me out on the town

And it looks like I'm burning it down

You won't ask and I won't say

But in my heart I'm always somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah

Driving around on a Saturday night

You made fun of me for singing my song

Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at three a.m.

You're fighting with your mom again

And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go

I can go out every night of the week

Can go home with anybody I meet

But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes

I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you

Somewhere with you

I'm somewhere with you

I'm somewhere with you

Somewhere with you

Somewhere with you

what you don't know you just gotta believe

My computer is broken, but I thought I’d give you a real quick update because this is one of the only chances I’ll get and SO much has changed I can’t believe its been so long! So, in extreme short form:

• Sold the jeep

• Bought a Tiburon

• Moved to Valleyview office for work and don’t like it

• Currently doing roadrunning training and love it

• Computer’s motherboard went kaplooie

• Am officially a hermit because I have no tv, computer or radio and I don’t get the newspaper

• I CAN FINALLY DRINK LEGALLY

• I keep having dreams about moose attacking me



Wait… did anyone read that last bullet? Yeah that’s for real. And I’m going to tell you about them because they are just SO WEIRD.



Dream #1



Libby, Oakes, Mason and me are walking through the woods, and all of the trees are skinny and poplar with very white trunks and orange leaves. Its fall, and there are leaves all over the ground too. Its quiet. We only walk for a very short time, and we reach the edge of what must be the ocean, because a tide is coming in or going out, I don’t know which, though it feels like a lake. Really close to the shore in the sand just barely covered by water is like a sink hole/little water tornado looking thing which is gyrating and sucking water into it. It’s dangerous, but I’m the only one that really pays any attention to it. The best way I can describe this thing, is by hoping you’ve seen The Rescuers when you were little, and remember the well that penny was trapped in, because that is actually what this reminded me of in my dream. You know the movie, come on, the one with the alligator and the crazy lady with the gun and the little mice who befriend orphan penny? Think real hard. ANYHOO, I look around, and suddenly standing beside me is this thing that looks sort of like a tiny panda, or a small badger, standing on its hind legs. Its legs and arms are like the limbs on really really old teddy bears, the ones you can move around. The badger, I decide it is, has really red rimmed eyes, but not in like an evil way, just like it is really really tired or maybe high. I try to warn Mason and Oakes and Libby that it’s a baby badger and that the things are really vicious and that we should get out of here before its mother comes and destroys us. They don’t pay me any attention and tell me that it is actually a baby panda and not to pay it any attention. We’re just keep doing nothing off in our separate ways but still close together when I look over to this hill-ish bank that has tree roots entwined in it and a scattering of leaves on it, when I see something in the ground move, and up comes a huge antler, and a moose is like climbing out of the ground! A huge moose! Huge! Anyways in the dream, its like the moose is the baby moose’s mother, and it was like after me. It charged and I tried to get away but I wasn’t fast enough so I jumped in the water and tried to swim away from it while my siblings are telling me to get out because obviously it can swim faster than me. While I’m in the water I become very conscious that I have my new iphone in my pocket, and some obscure part of my mind is freaking out because it is getting wet. (NO I do not have an iphone in real life.) Anyhoo I get out of the water and we start running back through the woods and we lose the moose and find my dad just hanging out by some big boulders. I show my dad my moose wounds which are like big huge long scars from like my ankles all the way up, and I remember distinctly one going over my knee cap that looks exactly like the scar on my elbow, but a bit wider. My dad is fairly unconcerned, maybe even disbelieving. I phone my mum on the iphone that is amazingly still working and not waterlogged. She’s shopping and i’m disgruntled because I think she should have been here to scare away the moose or something? The end.



Dream # 2



I’m driving home to Williams Lake and see a huge moose in the middle of the highway and so I pull over into someone’s driveway and get out of the car. The woman that lives there is like 45 or 50ish and she has short hair. Actually, she’s short too. We’re all like “omg you see that moose?!” “Oh wow yeah me too!” and crap, and then it like comes over a hill and starts running at us. So we start running from it, around a neighbor’s house, and then we’re kind of creeping around her house, backs to the siding (which is white and looks like my Williams Lake house) but it finds us, so I run up to the deck, but the woman is too slow, or stupid or something, and I try to wait for her, but I can’t anymore, so I go inside her house, which is kind of dingy and dark. Her son is in there, he’s about 30, just sitting in the living room, which is really cramped, and all of the furniture is really tall. Like it has been stretched upwards, and it’s kind of slanting in towards us. Everything is like darkish and brown and this guy is like really ashamed of his house. There’s a huge flat screen TV in the corner. We peek out of the blinds, trying to see what’s going on, but we’re looking out on to the deck and can’t really see anything. So I look out the front window towards my car, and I see the moose smashing his huge horns into my windshield! All I can think is “thank god it’s just the windshield, I need a new one of those anyways. (and I really do.) but then I look harder and I see that the whole hood is actually crunched in and he’s put a massive hole in it! The end.







I had another one too but I forget now, it’s been so long. I actually wrote this blog like… two weeks ago and have just finally decided I should really get to posting it. Actually I’m at work, so really I should probably be invoicing something but there is nothing to invoice anyways and I’m the only one in the office and GAWD is it ever boring. I can’t believe I just spelt that with a ‘w’, I really hate people that do that but if I had said it out loud that’s how it would have been pronounced so I suppose I have to convey the proper image and whatnot. I CAN NOT BELIEVE I’ve only been at work for an hour and a half. I guess time does tend to move extra super slow when you’re deathly ill. (hungover) and extremely sleep deprived (by choice). I can’t even think of fireball (oops I just did) without having my stomach heave and my mouth water in a bad bad way. It was a great night though.



Anyways I guess I should like pretend to work now or something.

 
i just tried to find a picture of my car for you all but none are taken from good angles. stupid google. anyhoo, its a black 2001 hyundai tiburon in case anyone is curious. pictures to come soon! wait. nevermind i'm lying. i don't have a computer. whatev. time to work. blech.

gin and juice

SIX emails about the Jeep in the last two days!! Boy, does Craigslist ever work! ….not to mention a price reduced by 1000 dollars! I CAN’T WAIT to sell the Jeep! Emails and calls from people interested almost seem like they must be scams or something, simply because my life is just going along so great, it seems almost impossible that I’d be allowed a Tiburon too! Knock on wood, though… (if you believe in stupid wives tales like that, I mean…. though I most definitely do not, I don’t think it could hurt to have a bunch of you faithfuls out there rapping on trees, just in case it makes even the slightest difference in the outcome…) The Tiburon almost seems surreal… I think I’m mentally blocking it so that I don’t get ridiculously anxious about not being able to drive it… When I do let myself think about it I get this strange swooping feeling, like falling, or looking down from high up, or.. having my name drawn for a prize.

Anyhoo, here is some more shameless plugging….. :)

If you're interested, see my ad on craigslist, and send me an email though that! :)

CRAIGSLIST  & KIJIJI