i think he can see through everything but my heart

I don't think that passenger seat

Has ever looked this good to me

He tells me about his night

And I count the colors in his eyes

He'll never fall in love he swears

As he runs his fingers through his hair

I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong

And I don't think it ever crossed his mind

He tells a joke I fake a smile

That I know all his favorite songs and

I could tell you his favorite colors green

He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth

His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him, I'd lie

He looks around the room

Innocently overlooks the truth

Shouldn't a light go on?

Doesn't he know I've had him memorized for so long?

He sees everything black and white

Never let nobody see him cry

I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine

I could tell you his favorite colors green

He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth

His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him, I'd lie

He stands there then walks away

My God, if I could only say

I'm holding every breathe for you

He'd never tell you but he can play guitar

I think he can see through everything but my heart

First thought when I wake up is, "My god, he's beautiful"

So I put on my make up and pray for a miracle

Yes, I could tell you his favorite colors green

He loves to argue oh and it kills me

His sisters beautiful he has his father's eyes

And if you asked me if I love him

If you ask me if I love him, I'd lie

and to all a good night

so i had this great idea, that getting Boris a companion might cure his loneliness and huge attachment disorders, so i decided to bring monster (his sister) home with me. BAD IDEA. they DESPISE each other! not even hate or just dislike, they DESPISE each other. in the incurable sort of way i think :( so now i'm screwed basically. because i have fallen soooo in love with little monster, she's just so sweet! and QUIET! none of that nonstop yowling that Boris does if i'm not in the same room as him. and affectionate -  she follows me everywhere! i was standing with my back to the counter today, and she just jumped right from the counter to my shoulder and perched there like a parrot! but now i hope she isn't making boris jealous, because he doesn't want to come hang out with me if she's with me, and she doesn't leave my side! ugh. there is just no win. on the plus side, boris hasn't been yowling with loneliness, he's been too occupied fighting with his sister and doing nonstop growling/hissing.

on the plus side, i got tons of christmas shopping done today!! i just have to get masons present, and the other half of oakes and dad's gifts, mom and libby are totally done! woohoo! can't say too much here though, i know they read this once in a blue moon ;)

i spent SEVENTY dollars on food today :( twelve of which dollars were on DISGUSTING veggie dogs. they taste exactly like hotdogs, but the texture is naaaasty. like fall-apart-in-your-mouth nasty.  and before you cook them they look like... barbie. thats the only way i can describe it. like barbie doll flesh. ew. to justify the rest of the seventy dollars, i must also note that i bought a HUGE bag of catfood. because i'm rapidly turning into crazy cat lady. my internet tech guy even said so today when he had to come in to fix my router. but hats right - i have REAL INTERNET for the first time in a MONTH!! its AMAZING! heart heart heart heart.

anyhoo i should really sleep now because i was so tired today i could hardly keep my eyes open. my lack of sleep is due largely to my cats constant bickering last night. and when i mean constant, i MEAN constant. like... never ending.

you got your head in the clouds

I was trying really hard to sleep. really! but its just one of those things that is impossible to do after you've slept all day, and then went and slept some more. also, how am i supposed to sleep, when my mind is occupied trying to guess my christmas presents?! yes people, its that time of year again!! woohoo! i already have christmas lights in my kitchen, but don't worry, the christmas tree will wait until december 1st.

 anyways, back to the present thing - i'm waiting patiently here for a hint on my 1st christmas present, but unfortunately, the giver has fallen asleep!! what kind of crap is that!?! whats worse, is that i can pretty much GARUNTEE that i will get a text at 5:30am, replying, and hinting and teasing and tantalising - and sooo i will NOT be able to ignore it and sleep, as my curiosity is simply too great! for now, i'll just lie here in bed, and hope to god that it isnt a tiburon. yes, you heard me right. i am hoping it is NOT a tiburon.  allow me to explain... a couple of months or so ago, somehow, (i must have been brainwashed), i ended up agreeing that if kyle bought me a tiburon, i would get a tattoo on my arm that says "kyle is always right" this was of course, before i had a tiburon. i think? anyhoo, what i did not factor into this agreement is that one day kyle will undoubtably be filthy rich, and would probably find it simply hilarious to follow through on this preposterous idea. not to worry, i specified that it would have to be like... at least current model year, fully loaded, with AT LEAST a V6, fully operational, and electric blue, and NOT a teensy key chain model or something. (i hope you're reading this). nevertheless, my christmas gift strikes icy cold fear into my heart.

on this whole christmassy note, have i mentioned, it has snowed about 12 feet here?! AND NOT MELTED?!?! I know, its a miracle! snow in downtown kamloops! i love it. love love loveeee! in fact, i even listened to xmas music today! the nice traditional kind, but with a little brad paisley christmas thrown in too.

i feel like there were sooo many other things i was going to blog about.

oh just thought of one: so i'm pretty sure all of my readers/friends know what a disasterous cook i am, but just in case you were uninformed: i am a terrible cook. so terrible, in fact, that i burnt water. yes, you say it can't be done, but allow me to educate you: it is possible to burn water. salt water anyways. i simply was trying to boil salty water for some good ol kraft dinner one night, and then i left the house. oooooooops! came back to a very black crunchy pot. weird burnt crunchy salt bits in the bottom of the pot and everything, and the pot wasnt looking so good itself. as a matter of fact, when i put it back on the stove (forgot to turn the element ON this time...) it immediately started leaking (not that i noticed). a half hour later i returned to a huge puddle under my coil element, and some very lukewarm water. thats right, i burnt a hole in my pot. trying to make kd. clearly something is wrong with my genetic makeup. lucky for me, i still have one undestroyed pot left, and a lot of friends that feed me.

tomorrow i bring niko and monster in to be spayed. at EIGHT AM. ew. that means i have to be out in westsyde by like 7:30. i'm giving a bit of a time allowance because i assume it just isnt going to be very easy to get two angry, hungry (they're "fasting" all night) cats into one teeny cardboard carrier together. ah well. the things i do for... wait what am i doing this for again?! i can't rememeber. anyhoo, then i drive home. then at three i drive alllll the way out to the northshore to pick them up, then out to westsyde to drop niko off. then aaaalllll the way back home, WITH monster, so i can see if her living here will make my cat less crazy and cure his attachment issues and yowling and scratching and habits of destroying all that is in my house. and also, it would be nice if i didnt have to drive halfway across the planet once a week just to clean for and feed the darn thing. good thing she's so cute.

a nickel's worth of common sense

this post is a little deeper than most, but its somehting that is constantly at the back of my mind.

every so often, i sit down and i think, "where am i with my life?" "where do i want to be?" "how am i going to get there?" and then i figure it all out. every time i do this, the one thing that i KNOW must happen in my life, is to volunteer in a third world country - to really SEE the world, not just the sugar-coated portions. And so, l;ast saturday, when work was excessively slow and boring, i spent my time doing some good karma type things. (side note, i dont actually believe in karma, i'm just putting it in terms you'll all understand....heh) Whilst playing (i mean losing) a ridiculous number of solitaire games, sanitizing my desk, and eating cookies, i: became an organ donor, volunteered for big brothers and big sisters, AND applied to Canada World Youth - a six month volunteer travel program where you spend 3 months with a host family in canada, and three in a third world country doing volunteer work while living with a host family. Hundreds upon hundreds of people apply every year, and they make a decision in January, but i can hope hope hope! I'll keep you posted.

Now, on another note, here is the whole reason i did post today, because at lunch i was reading a blog i follow (sort of creepily) but i saw it in Laureen Carruthers' blog - the amazing photographer lady who did my grad pics, clicked it, and have been hooked ever since!

fairly few people know this about me, but to my close friends, i suppose its common knowledge. I don't want to have kids, ever. and if i do ever feel the need, i'll adopt a child in need. why create introduce another pampered, spoiled child into the world, when there are SO MANY other out there that need homes and care so desparately? would i really not adopt just so that i could pass on the redhead? Anyways, i was reading it today, and i really loved this entry, so i thought to help people better understand what motivates me, i'd post this:

 A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense:

"After experiencing the roller coaster of reunion with my sister, I suddenly found myself experience a whole other side of the adoption picture - The abandoned. The starving. The dying. Baby, after baby, after baby.



I came from a globally minded family, or so I thought. We had sponsored a child through World Vision my entire life. My parents sat us down to watch those Saturday morning "starving child" specials on tv. The high school I attended supported a school in Haiti. We did hot dog sales to raise funds. We made dresses in Home Ec that were sent to children. It made me feel I was doing something. At 16, it felt like I was doing enough. My life was pretty easy. Private school. A beautiful home. Good friends.

And then I went. Flew to the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere. Young, incredibly naive and completely unprepared for what I would see. Port Au Prince with its crowds, heat and constant beggars was shock enough. Hordes of malnourished children. Piles of garbage. Crowded orphanages. It was, I thought, as bad as life could ever get. What I didn't realize is that they were the lucky Haitians.


We left the city and drove several hours. We got out in a small town simply trying to survive in the midst of being decimated by AIDS. 50% of all adults were HIV positive. There were orphaned children everywhere being taken in by neighbours, friends, grandparents, and churches. Disabled children dragged their broken bodies through the dirt. We were shown the morgue. Young people lain on whitewashed slabs. Mothers, Fathers, Children. Body after body. Again, I thought that must be as bad as life could ever get as I struggled to absorb it all.

Then we left the village. No roads, just a foot path. Tired, old and emaciated donkeys carried our young, healthy, teenage bodies up a mountain. A mountain where a village had been found. A village of the starving. The living dead. We were supposed to be bringing them hope. A few boxes of seeds. Assorted medical supplies. Toys.


You might think you understand what it means to hold a child that is dying. You might think you understand what it feels like to look into the eyes of a child dying from a preventable cause. But until you have lived that; Felt it in your very soul, you cannot begin to understand.


When you realize that I, as a teenager with a stethoscope and box full of deworming medication was the best medical care, the ONLY medical care, this village would ever see maybe you can fathom the enormity of the experience.

6 year olds the primary care givers of 3 younger siblings because their mother had died in childbirth. All near death. All severely emotionally disabled from lack of affection, lack of attention, lack of hope. Pregnant women so anemic that death was inevitable once they went into labour. Starving mothers and fathers. Children so near death you know your touch might be the last. Mothers explaining that they had given birth 9 times but only two of their children had lived to a year of age.
It was a week that you cannot fathom. A week that changed my life. A week that the simple act of putting it into words has kept this post locked up because I fear I cannot do it justice.
It is here I saw the need. The desperate, absolute need of children. Heart breaking, desperate, overwhelming need. Need that can't be solved with rhetoric or policy. Need that even money couldn't find a solution too. The need was simply there. Desperate, dying children. Alone. With no one, nothing and absolutely no hope.
On our last day, the lucky children, if you could ever say that, had parents that begged us to take them. I would be holding one child and a mother would rip it from my arms and press her own baby into my arms. As the translator shared her appeal. "This one is cuter, take it please, take my baby to Canada". Then another, then another, then another. Cuter or younger or a boy or a girl. All mothers desperate to save their child in any way they could. Even by sending them half way around the world with a stranger. A child stranger at that.
We left. A group of 16 and 17 year olds completely silent. Tear streaked faces. The nurse we were working with before the trip had STRONGLY advised us not to "get attached" not to hold the babies or the toddlers left motherless. As we left she said something that I didn't completely understand at the time but do today.
"It's worse for them now. Those kids know what they are missing. Before they didn't know what a hug felt like, now they will miss it."
We silently progressed down the mountain on our donkeys. Spread out. Each needing our own space, deep, deep in thought. I passed a hut. Small, mud bricks with a tree branch roof. Suddenly a woman ran out screaming.
With great force she threw something at me.
Instinctively I reached out and grabbed it as it flew by. I realized it wasn't an it. It wasn't a something. It was a someone.
A beautiful, gorgeous, precious baby boy wrapped in a rag.
He was also a starving, dying baby boy.
And as I held him, his weeping mother hit my donkey so it would run off with me carrying her baby in my arms.
And I turned. And I threw that baby back. Back into the arms of his mother and she collapsed to the ground. Yes, back to his family of origin. Yes, back to his home culture, language and place of birth. But also back to certain death.
My life suddenly became more complicated. At home I faced those questions that maybe some never face. Why am I so blessed? Why, through a twist of fate, was I born to a family in Canada while an equally precious child is born into dire poverty in Haiti.
It is on that trip that I lost all sense of "us and them". My world perspective shattered and then expanded globally. Those children I held weren't any different than my newly found niece and nephews. Than my adored baby cousin. Their eyes were a different color, our skin looked different but we were the SAME.


And I became aware of a world where children died alone. Where babies never were held. A world where brothers and sisters were separated out of necessity. A world where mothers were so desperate for their child to live they were willing to beg another to take them.
Haiti changed my life. It will always hold a place in my heart. We continued to send money to that village for a long, long time. Many, if not most, of the children we met that January in 1991 died.


40,000 children died today from starvation and preventable starvation related illness. 40,000 more children will die tomorrow. Each as precious as the child you love most in the world. Each with as much hope. As much potential. Each with a mother who bore them in love. Not to die an agonizing death before ever experiencing life.


Within a year I would be immersed in a culture where there exists very few orphans, and again I saw another side of story of children without families of birth. "


http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/



And now you know why i feel the way i do.

I'd go, I'd go, I'd go somewhere with you

If you're going out with someone new

I'm going out with someone too

I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk

But I'd much rather be somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah

Driving around on a Saturday night

You made fun of me for singing my song

Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at three a.m.

You're fighting with your mom again

And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go somewhere with you

I won't sit outside your house

And wait for the lights to go out

Call up an ex to rescue me, climb in their bed

When I'd much rather sleep somewhere with you

Like we did on the beach last summer

When the rain came down and we took cover

Down in your car, out by the pier

You laid me down, whispered in my ear

I hate my life, hold on to me

Ah, if you ever decide to leave

Then I'll go, I'll go, I'll go

I can go out every night of the week

Can go home with anybody I meet

But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes

I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you

If you see me out on the town

And it looks like I'm burning it down

You won't ask and I won't say

But in my heart I'm always somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah

Driving around on a Saturday night

You made fun of me for singing my song

Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at three a.m.

You're fighting with your mom again

And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go

I can go out every night of the week

Can go home with anybody I meet

But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes

I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you

Somewhere with you

I'm somewhere with you

I'm somewhere with you

Somewhere with you

Somewhere with you

what you don't know you just gotta believe

My computer is broken, but I thought I’d give you a real quick update because this is one of the only chances I’ll get and SO much has changed I can’t believe its been so long! So, in extreme short form:

• Sold the jeep

• Bought a Tiburon

• Moved to Valleyview office for work and don’t like it

• Currently doing roadrunning training and love it

• Computer’s motherboard went kaplooie

• Am officially a hermit because I have no tv, computer or radio and I don’t get the newspaper

• I CAN FINALLY DRINK LEGALLY

• I keep having dreams about moose attacking me



Wait… did anyone read that last bullet? Yeah that’s for real. And I’m going to tell you about them because they are just SO WEIRD.



Dream #1



Libby, Oakes, Mason and me are walking through the woods, and all of the trees are skinny and poplar with very white trunks and orange leaves. Its fall, and there are leaves all over the ground too. Its quiet. We only walk for a very short time, and we reach the edge of what must be the ocean, because a tide is coming in or going out, I don’t know which, though it feels like a lake. Really close to the shore in the sand just barely covered by water is like a sink hole/little water tornado looking thing which is gyrating and sucking water into it. It’s dangerous, but I’m the only one that really pays any attention to it. The best way I can describe this thing, is by hoping you’ve seen The Rescuers when you were little, and remember the well that penny was trapped in, because that is actually what this reminded me of in my dream. You know the movie, come on, the one with the alligator and the crazy lady with the gun and the little mice who befriend orphan penny? Think real hard. ANYHOO, I look around, and suddenly standing beside me is this thing that looks sort of like a tiny panda, or a small badger, standing on its hind legs. Its legs and arms are like the limbs on really really old teddy bears, the ones you can move around. The badger, I decide it is, has really red rimmed eyes, but not in like an evil way, just like it is really really tired or maybe high. I try to warn Mason and Oakes and Libby that it’s a baby badger and that the things are really vicious and that we should get out of here before its mother comes and destroys us. They don’t pay me any attention and tell me that it is actually a baby panda and not to pay it any attention. We’re just keep doing nothing off in our separate ways but still close together when I look over to this hill-ish bank that has tree roots entwined in it and a scattering of leaves on it, when I see something in the ground move, and up comes a huge antler, and a moose is like climbing out of the ground! A huge moose! Huge! Anyways in the dream, its like the moose is the baby moose’s mother, and it was like after me. It charged and I tried to get away but I wasn’t fast enough so I jumped in the water and tried to swim away from it while my siblings are telling me to get out because obviously it can swim faster than me. While I’m in the water I become very conscious that I have my new iphone in my pocket, and some obscure part of my mind is freaking out because it is getting wet. (NO I do not have an iphone in real life.) Anyhoo I get out of the water and we start running back through the woods and we lose the moose and find my dad just hanging out by some big boulders. I show my dad my moose wounds which are like big huge long scars from like my ankles all the way up, and I remember distinctly one going over my knee cap that looks exactly like the scar on my elbow, but a bit wider. My dad is fairly unconcerned, maybe even disbelieving. I phone my mum on the iphone that is amazingly still working and not waterlogged. She’s shopping and i’m disgruntled because I think she should have been here to scare away the moose or something? The end.



Dream # 2



I’m driving home to Williams Lake and see a huge moose in the middle of the highway and so I pull over into someone’s driveway and get out of the car. The woman that lives there is like 45 or 50ish and she has short hair. Actually, she’s short too. We’re all like “omg you see that moose?!” “Oh wow yeah me too!” and crap, and then it like comes over a hill and starts running at us. So we start running from it, around a neighbor’s house, and then we’re kind of creeping around her house, backs to the siding (which is white and looks like my Williams Lake house) but it finds us, so I run up to the deck, but the woman is too slow, or stupid or something, and I try to wait for her, but I can’t anymore, so I go inside her house, which is kind of dingy and dark. Her son is in there, he’s about 30, just sitting in the living room, which is really cramped, and all of the furniture is really tall. Like it has been stretched upwards, and it’s kind of slanting in towards us. Everything is like darkish and brown and this guy is like really ashamed of his house. There’s a huge flat screen TV in the corner. We peek out of the blinds, trying to see what’s going on, but we’re looking out on to the deck and can’t really see anything. So I look out the front window towards my car, and I see the moose smashing his huge horns into my windshield! All I can think is “thank god it’s just the windshield, I need a new one of those anyways. (and I really do.) but then I look harder and I see that the whole hood is actually crunched in and he’s put a massive hole in it! The end.







I had another one too but I forget now, it’s been so long. I actually wrote this blog like… two weeks ago and have just finally decided I should really get to posting it. Actually I’m at work, so really I should probably be invoicing something but there is nothing to invoice anyways and I’m the only one in the office and GAWD is it ever boring. I can’t believe I just spelt that with a ‘w’, I really hate people that do that but if I had said it out loud that’s how it would have been pronounced so I suppose I have to convey the proper image and whatnot. I CAN NOT BELIEVE I’ve only been at work for an hour and a half. I guess time does tend to move extra super slow when you’re deathly ill. (hungover) and extremely sleep deprived (by choice). I can’t even think of fireball (oops I just did) without having my stomach heave and my mouth water in a bad bad way. It was a great night though.



Anyways I guess I should like pretend to work now or something.

 
i just tried to find a picture of my car for you all but none are taken from good angles. stupid google. anyhoo, its a black 2001 hyundai tiburon in case anyone is curious. pictures to come soon! wait. nevermind i'm lying. i don't have a computer. whatev. time to work. blech.