Funny how a melody, sounds like a memory

I had a WILD thought just now.  It was that maybe, just maybe, I should just do what I want.  I should just say what I feel, and react how I want, when I want, if I want to.  I spend so MUCH time and effort every day, reacting in the way that I know will produce the outcome I want.  I always get what I want.  I text back an appropriate amount of seconds/minutes/hours later, (most often hours, and most often because I really just do have a busy life, and I don't drop everything just to reply to something that could most likely wait until I am finished working, or more likely, when I'm bored) but sometimes, just sometimes, I purposely delay, because I don't want to seem overeager.  I don't want you to know that I'm into you.  I LIKE playing hard to get.  Its fun for me. I want you to want me.  I hate being the girl that 90% of all girls are thanks to insecurity, hormones, their need to feel loved. I think all girls go through a phase like this - a first boyfriend, love etc. We all learn, move on, and become a little stronger because of it, and choose our next path more carefully.  We nurse our wounds.  We heal.

I rarely ever send duplicate texts or start up a new topic if I am anxious or irritated that I haven't received a response.  I don't call first, and in fact, often I don't even call you back. Not until you've really worked your way into my heart.  I always wait for YOU.  God forbid you be doing the same thing, it becomes a battle of the wills, and I never lose.  Being the girl that did all of the opposite three years ago got my heart broken. I went all in, too fast.

Since then, I've put up a wall. A shell. Armour. Now I'm the one in control, and I like it.  It saves me from heartbreak.  I do the breaking.  I didn't mean for it to turn out that way, but it seems that you have to be one or the other.  The breaker or the broken.  What is better: to be loved, or to love? If you had to choose? I chose the former, when I should have chosen the latter. Sure, when I feel the same way, I reciprocate once I feel secure enough, safe enough, confident enough, that if I let my true feelings shine through that I won't be broken again.  Its become a habit to not do this until it is far too late, irreparable.  But now I want to give, and hopefully in turn receive, but who can say if I will? I guess that is really the question: are you brave enough to take the risk? Do you have enough courage to fall in love?